Bad grammar? 10 POINTS HELP?!?

One of the examples of purple prose is saying the same thing more than once. She was baffled to come upon a dense crowd, no need for dense, that's what a crowd is. The crowd stared at the [small number of men with derision or hatred or whatever emotion you're trying to communicate. Skip all the stuff about The two parties...... until Helio caught a glimpse of the madame so she knew trouble was afoot. She whispered to the madame, " This is about the expedition, isn't it? Cut until you get to The madame's response was a high pitched noise. Cut the paragraph about the After a short time.... Go to Suddenly Helio saw the small crowd erupt into a cacophony of profanities. Then use your last sentence.